Have I lost it?
Did I ever have it?
What is it that drives me? What is it that makes me get up in the morning and go "this is worth it!"?
I no longer know.
I know things I love: Reading, Writing, Music, God, Family, Friends, Socializing, Dancing, Ultimate, Comedy...
But what am I passionate about?
I used to think it was writing until I realized that my year 5's could write circles around me...perhaps I just need to do it again...this time creatively (like I wanted) instead of journalistically (like I've done)...
I used to think it was Children's Rights until I realized that I am no longer involved with organizations that I used to be extremely passionate about (e.g. World Vision). Sure, I'm a teacher and am a strong believer in Children's Rights and believe that each child has a right to clean drinking water, an education, a right to speak freely, and to feel safe. But if this was the driving force of my life (as I used to think it was), wouldn't I be spending much of my free time devoting myself to these organizations?
Special Education? Oh...I get heated up and passionate when I think about this. Unfortunately, I haven't had a chance to work with very many special needs children here in the UK...surely if this was my driving force, I would be more active in looking for jobs or volunteer positions in the industry...
Travelling? I DO love this! If I could write, travel, and make music for a living, I would. <---- could this be my answer?
I have come to realize that since I moved to London, one of my biggest dreams has come true. I remember being 16 and going to Mrs. Cartwright, our career and college counsellor, and asking her about getting into a university, and her looking at me as if I had just asked about universities on the moon. "You could go," she peered at me doubtfully, "but it's going to cost a lot of money" Read: You can't afford it, honey.
Well, thanks for killing THAT dream, Mrs. Cartwright.
However, it didn't end there. I knew that my parents couldn't afford to let me come to London, but that didn't mean that I couldn't dream. Perhaps one day, I could be a successful journalist and be asked to do some work in London? Perhaps I could join the BBC??? (Oh, the naivety)
But now what?
Where do I go from here?
I almost feel like every experience I've had somehow shaped and prepared me for the moment I came to London. The feeling that this is where I am supposed to be, despite it not being the sunshine and rainbows I thought it would be.
I can't shake the feeling that there is something big that is supposed to happen here...that somehow, in some way, mine, or someone's, or a bunch of people's lives will change in a fantastic and positive way and that it's a direct result of me being in London. That I couldn't have done it in Vancouver. I don't want to waste whatever time I have here being selfish and self-centered...
I want to be a promoter of peace. I want to be a promoter of joy. I want to be a promoter of positivity. I want to be a promoter of love. I want to get up in the morning and know that someone's day was a little bit brighter because I am using my God-given gifts and talents to make the world a happier place.
But then I come full-circle to my original question: What am I passionate about?
And while I'm writing this, I realize that I love people. I love making friends, socializing, and making people smile. I love letting people know they're cared for and that they themselves make a difference. I love seeing the good things about people, and (naively) ignore the fact that there are some bad sides...because we all have them. There's no point in pointing the finger at one person, when I have 3 pointing back at me...I enjoy encouraging people. Letting them know that I believe in them...
So maybe that's what I am passionate about.
Maybe.
Or perhaps I'll actually get good at guitar, write some songs, and travel the world.
PS: Thanks for reading my highly incoherent rant. Here is a picture as a reward:
Yo, Tanisha. What are you passionate about?
